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The Kindness We Forget: Why It Starts With Us

By Ashani Dante

 

The Inner Critic We All Hear

You know that voice inside your head that whispers (or sometimes shouts): “You should work harder. You should be better. Why did you say that?”

A Culture of Constant Judgement

We live in a culture that’s quick to judge: how we show up in our relationships, our careers, what our families think of our choices, even how we appear online. One wrong move and people can be quick to criticise or worse, “cancel.”

Because of this, many of us work overtime to maintain an image of what we think people expect from us because deep down we fear rejection, exile, or judgement. But the cost of constantly proving and performing is disconnection from our truth, and with that, we lose the support we truly need to become more of ourselves. We start to believe we need to be perfect just to feel safe.

Beyond Performative Kindness

That’s why kindness matters more than ever. But kindness isn’t about fake smiles or polite gestures. If it’s not rooted within us, it risks becoming performative, a kind of kindness that looks good on the surface but doesn’t last. To truly embody kindness, we have to start with ourselves. Because when we’re not kind to ourselves, it shows up everywhere else: in our relationships, our choices, and the way we move through the world.

And yes, kindness can feel hard, especially when we’re depleted, tired, and on the road to burnout. The state of the world can add to this, leaving us fatigued and hopeless. But if we want to live in a world where people feel seen, safe, and supported to flourish, it begins with us.

Start With You

Rewriting The Script 

The way we talk to ourselves matters. Are the words we use expanding us into the most authentic version of ourselves encouraging, noticing what we did well, reminding us of our strengths? Or are they contracting us, shrinking us with harsh criticism, wrapping us in self-doubt, and making us feel like no matter what we do, it’s never enough? 

Sometimes our inner critic is useful. It can help us notice when we’ve done something harmful and prompt us to reflect, repair, or choose differently next time. But there are also times when the inner critic becomes overactive, criticising everything we do, whether it was harmful, helpful, or simply harmless. That’s when it stops guiding us and starts weighing us down. 

We all have a kind of subconscious “teleprompter” running in the background. By noticing it, we can gently shift it. Self-kindness is like learning a new language, especially if we’ve spent years listening to the voice of our inner critic run wild. You can’t become fluent overnight. It takes time, patience, and practice. 

Pull-quote line: “The way we talk to ourselves sets the tone for how we show up everywhere else.”

Rituals That Refill You

Consistency comes from structure. Create little rituals that feel special for you: light a candle, sip your favourite drink, journal your thoughts, or put on a playlist that makes you dance. Scheduling “sacred me-time” isn’t selfish, it’s maintenance. Think of it as fuelling up so you can keep showing up for yourself and the people you care about.

And if doing it for yourself feels hard, try on this thought: when we care for ourselves, we’re in a much stronger place to love others well.

Pull-quote line: “Self-kindness isn’t selfish, it’s maintenance.”

The Kindness of Boundaries

Saying “no” can be one of the kindest gifts we give ourselves. For anyone who identifies as a people-pleaser, boundaries can feel uncomfortable, even selfish. But they’re not about rejection, they’re about honesty. When we say no to others, what we’re really saying is: “I don’t have the capacity right now to meet you, love you, or give you the support you truly deserve.” Or: “I need more time to refuel my energy so I can show up even better for you and the work I do.”

Boundaries are not walls. They’re doorways to healthier, more sustainable relationships, with others and with ourselves.

Pull-quote line: “Boundaries are not walls, they’re doorways to healthier relationships.”

Kindness That Ripples Out

Softening Our Reactions

We rarely know the full story of what someone else is going through. Everyone is carrying something beneath the surface that we may not see. This doesn’t excuse unkind behaviour, but it does help us soften our own reactions.

Kindness is about taking responsibility for how we show up. It’s pausing before we snap. It’s choosing words with care. It’s remembering that most of the time, it’s not actually about us.

The Power of Small Gestures

One of the most powerful acts of kindness is reminding someone of their worth. It could be as simple as reaching out to ask how they are and letting them know you were thinking of them. Send a message to a friend and tell them what you love about them. Share how they’ve made a difference in your life. It might sound small, but it can go a long way.

I still remember times when I felt low and someone’s kind message reminded me I wasn’t alone and that I was loved even in my mess, it can truly be a light in the dark.

The Power of Joy 

Kindness doesn’t always have to be deep or sentimental. Humour and joy are healing too. Share a funny meme, remind someone of a silly memory, or simply smile. Sometimes laughter is the exact kind of kindness we all need.

Pull-quote line: “The power of joy. Sometimes kindness looks like a meme, a laugh, or a smile.”

 Showing Up Real

Beyond Toxic Positivity

Kindness isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about courage, allowing ourselves to feel what’s real, giving ourselves permission to express it, and knowing that reaching out for support is normal. We were never meant to go through life’s ups and downs alone.

Permission To Be Human

As humans, we are going to mess up. We’re going to make mistakes, disappoint, and even hurt the feelings of the people we love most. The most powerful act of kindness is forgiveness. Not to excuse bad behaviour, but as a permission slip to ourselves to stop holding onto resentment and pain.

Life is a forever earth-classroom where we’re constantly learning about ourselves. Being authentic means learning the lessons so we don’t keep repeating old patterns, and taking responsibility for our mistakes so we can make wiser choices.

And part of kindness is respecting that everyone is on their own journey. Whether or not someone chooses to lean into self-growth is up to them. What we can do is meet people with kindness and respect for where they are.

Authenticity With Care

Authenticity also means showing up as we are, messy, imperfect, human. If you’re sad, let yourself cry. If you’re angry, let yourself vent it out. If you’re joyful, don’t hide it, let it spread. The world doesn’t need a polished version of us, it needs our real selves.

But being real comes with responsibility. Expressing our truth should never come at the expense of another person’s safety, dignity, or belonging. Living authentically isn’t a licence to harm, it’s about honesty paired with care, so that both we and the people around us can flourish.

Pull-quote line: “The world doesn’t need our polished selves, it needs our real selves.”

The Everyday Power of Kindness

Ripples In The Small Things

When we’re kind to ourselves, we set the tone for how we treat others. And when we show kindness to others, we create ripples that extend further than we’ll ever know. A smile, a message, or a moment of laughter could be the thing that helps someone keep going.

Kindness doesn’t have to be grand. It’s in the little daily choices. It’s in the way we talk to ourselves in the mirror, the way we forgive someone else’s grumpy morning, the way we reach out instead of staying silent.

At the end of the day, kindness isn’t about excusing bad behaviour or sugar-coating life. It’s about remembering that people are human, messy, and figuring it out, just like we are. And when we choose kindness, rooted in compassion for ourselves first, we make it possible for others to feel safe, seen, and supported to flourish too.

Kindness isn’t soft, it’s how we rehumanise the world.

 

We don’t have to work on change alone. If you or someone you know needs support, here are some places that can help:

headspace – for young people 12–25 and families

Lifeline – 13 11 14, 24/7 support for anyone in distress

Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636, support for adults